The Aliens are Coming you Fat, Evil Child and That's Why we're Giving you Weapons to Defend Yourself.

Crawling inside the ventilation vents above the Principal’s office, Joanie felt immensely stupid.

A dare. That’s all it had been. They wanted to retrieve some stupid toy and here she was paying the price. Why couldn’t she ever just say no? They made it sound so easy, all those eighties afterschool specials against drugs, friends and other vices. Just say no. Well, she didn’t know how to do that, and here she was now - stuck inside a ventilation vent. Joanie was living proof that no matter how special or loved you are, you can still take yourself very much for granted. She hated that everyone’s opinion always seemed to matter to her more than her own. It wasn’t just a healthy admiration for other’s wisdom; it was a plague of self doubt that didn’t make any sense at all.

Just a few days before she’d been composing music in her head while baking a cake. It had been a tasty cake too, at least for the baking skills of a thirteen year old. Joanie wasn’t lacking in talent, not even in attitude. She had friends. She’d have been almost popular, if she believed in those things. Her ruby red hair stood out of any crowd and her skill with a clothing iron was as mesmerizing as it was confusing. Nobody could explain exactly what it was that she did with it; in between throwing it up in the air and running it hot down her cheek, she always managed to come out unscathed and give the volunteers’ clothes back to him or her completely free of wrinkles. Those skills were useless now, of course, but it always gave her a bit of courage to think of them when she was in a tight spot.

From inside the vent she could see down into the office. Afraid of making too much noise, Joanie tried being as quiet as she could. The Principal was in there, by himself, ironing a shirt. He was a tall dark man who always seemed to be thinking of something else when spoken to. He wasn’t really very friendly, but that’s never to be expected of a Jr High School principal. Joanie stood as still as she could be while watching this bizarre sight and waiting for the Principal to leave. Slowly he put on the shirt he’d been ironing and opened a cupboard to put away the iron and board. Joanie’s’ eyes went wide as she saw that inside the cupboard was a boy, about her age, completely tied up and gagged. A gasp escaped her lips and the Principals’ eyes seemed to flash white as he looked in her direction. Joanie’s mind couldn’t really comprehend how quickly everything seemed to have changed. Like a car coming at you from the side, it’s impossible to really brace yourself for such an abrupt change. A few seconds later the Principal was gone.

Joanie had managed to slowly climb down the vent. The thought of the toy she was supposed to retrieve was completely gone from her mind. It had been a pretty fun toy too. If she took this boy out of the cupboard, which wasn’t even locked, the Principal would know someone had been in here. If she just let him in there to rot, she’d be just as bad as he was. She’d always known he was a strict disciplinarian, but something as macabre as this had never crossed her mind. Calling her parents or the cops was, of course, not an option. Who would believe her? She heard footsteps; it could be the Principal coming back. Crap. In one sweeping move Joanie opened the cupboard and untied the pleading kid. Then she ungagged him and all hell broke loose.

The wailing kid emitted a noise like she’d never heard. It was like an old modem internet connection, but louder and noisier. It seemed to be getting into her mind through her very bones. Standing at the doorway was the Principal, not entirely surprised to see Joanie clutching at her ears on the floor and crying. The tied up kid and the Principal stared each other down for a moment. The Principal closed the door nonchalantly. The kid stopped wailing. Joanie stood up clumsily and held her arms to her chest. The Principal reached for a knife. The kid jumped like a threatened spider into the ventilation vent. Joanie, who had long since lost any capacity to understand what was going on, merely muttered something about that jump being completely impossible. The Principal went up to Joanie, took her by the hand to his desk and sat her down.

Reaching into the drawer of his desk he pulled out a clothing iron and set it in front of Joanie. -The aliens are coming you fat, evil child and that's why we're giving you weapons to defend yourself-, he said. “I’m not fat!” Joanie thought to herself indignantly. Then immediately after that “...I’m not evil, either...” but her face seemed too shocked to utter anything. She really wasn’t fat at all. After a few breaths she tried to say something to the man that just sat in front of her like a mannequin, but all that came out was “Waa, houg...weeaaa?” Obviously there was a lot here she wasn’t being told, and just as obviously the Principal was in no storytelling mood. Why did he act so erratically? Shouldn’t he be chasing that spider kid if he took the time to tie him up in the first place? Joanie desperately grabbed at some semblance of logic within this horrible mess of events. After what seemed like an eternity Joanie managed to breathe out coherent words. –Why...why aren’t you chasing after him, sir? - The steely response came almost before she could finish speaking. -Because I didn’t catch him the first time and I don’t have to do it now. It would be impossible for me anyway. It was, I have to admit, an annoyance that you let him go. However, it is important to us that you realize they exist, and we figured this would be the most shocking way to do it.- Joanie just stared blankly. –The most shocking?- The Principal glanced quickly at the vent. –Because it was the only way we could make sure you wouldn’t logic all of this away. Aliens, wars, horror, those are all things better left to shock. Soon you will meet again, and you will fight to the death. - Joanie rubbed the back of her hands on her knees. –Death? Who...what, are you? - The Principal stood up and gave her a cold, hard look. –You ask too many questions. Just be ready when the time comes. You were allowed in the vent. You were chosen. - Joanie stood up too and asked if she could leave. The Principal nodded. Before she reached the door however, the Principal stood behind her with the iron. Joanie took it from him almost without thinking and put it into her backpack.

On her way home that day Joanie went over the insane scenario in her mind. Had any of it actually happened? Why had she been chosen to “find out”? What made her special or worthy? From afar she saw a boy about her age looking at his reflection on a 7 foot mirror that rested against a tree. She knew it was the same kid who she’d freed in the Principals’ office. Apparently evil aliens had a liking for their own image. That’s when it hit her: she didn’t need a reason to be special or worthy. She had her skill, that was enough. She had herself and that was enough. Would she have to fight aliens soon? Probably. Did it make any sense? Probably not. But if an ugly ass alien with wailing and annoying powers had the right to feel good about himself, there was no reason she couldn’t. Maybe, when the time came, she’d just refuse to fight. Maybe she didn’t have to do what they said. Seriously, what the fuck did they know? Her friends send her on stupid quests for stupid things. The adults tie up their problems in closets hoping for someone else to find them and take care of them. Meanwhile, she’s walking home scared to death and the random shit just won’t stop. First decision of the day: ignore the kid, walk home and bake. She made some seriously tasty cakes.